"Promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big. I just don't understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes"
I have lived the past two years with nothing to show for--throwing myself into new projects I never properly complete, losing interest in what I once held dear... I have disappointed people and people have disappointed me. I am a hardened angry shell of my previous self. "Now" no longer matters as much as tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day; another day of keeping my thoughts to myself and being the smiling sunny personality that everyone knows and loves. Is it obvious that I have a million worries? Will I get in? Will I fail? Will I be late? Do I have enough cash? Will that taxi hit me or will I make it across the road? Did I just miss that subway? I guess as long as you show your teeth when you smile people can't tell if you're actually frowning inside.

"As if I could live on words and dreams and a million screams oh how I need a hand in mine to feel. Why are you so far away from me?"
2 years of dreaming and waiting and holding out. 2 years of reaching out and recoiling. 2 years of placing your heart in someone's hand only to have the same person crush it like an egg. Lying by the phone and dialing, I befriended the AT&T automated voice message system. Are you on the other side letting me go? I won a battle and I lost another. I had the upper hand. I never knew winning could be so hard. How can someone be so happy to lose? Since when did it become a war of wits? Perhaps I'm the biggest loser.

"Fushigi ne! Negatta kiseki ga konna ni mo soba ni aru nante"
Right in time for the holidays: my very own miracle making "now" seem more bearable. A perpetual smile on my face silencing the cynic that has come out to play; can I lean back and let myself fall? I'm reaching forward but at the same time afraid of what's to come. It's a waltz, not a war. You lead, I'll follow.